Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Tree of Life (a bad, bad movie)

OK, let me make it clear from the beginning. I’m not a hater, and especially when it comes to movies, I have found that my tolerance to poorly executed movies is very generous. However, there’s limit to everything.
I have my own criteria about movies:
1. Movies that I can watch all day long on a loop
2. Movies that I want to see every now and then
3. Movies that I’ve seen and forgot all about them
4. Movies that I wish I had never seen
So, yesterday I saw ‘The Three Musketeers’ (2011) and I admit, it had some awesome, pretty nice butt kicking scenes. While Mila Jovovich, Luke Evans and Christoph Waltz were successfully cast in the roles of Milady de Winter, Aramis and Cardinal Richelieu, the rest of the cast was pretty much miscast. Still, the movie wasn’t bad. However, this post is about another movie… the one I wish I never watched. Yes, it was THAT bad.

Thinking that after my ‘encounter’ with ‘The Tree Musketeers’ I’ll have some more luck in watching another good movie, I went to the DVD shop and rented ‘The Tree of Life.’ No, they should have called it ‘The THREE of Life’ as it took 181 minutes of my life that I’m never getting back. Ever. In those 3 hours I could have made a batch of pancakes or even baked a cake, but no, I decided to watch the movie.

Now, I have somewhat of a ‘rule’ or rather is a mechanism of defence when it comes to suck-y movies: If I have difficulty looking at the screen after the 7th minute is gone, the movie is not worth watching. This ‘sixth sense’ of mine never failed me, but still, in order to proclaim the movie a total waste of time, I stick watching. Eh, the things I do in order to prevent more ‘victims’ from watching lousy stuff!

It is not my intention to bore you with the details, so I’m going to sum it pretty fast.
1. If you want scenes of erupting volcanoes, dirty waterfalls and unusually shaped rocks, turn your TV to National Geographic or Discovery channel. At least, you learn something from there, which cannot be said about the above mentioned movie.

2. Damaged people breed damaged children (or as I want to put it in my favourite words: ‘Stupid breeds stupid’). People with seriously unresolved issues only ‘transfer’ their issues to their children, thus leaving them scarred for life and in need of some serious professional help. It is the shrink or jail basically. If one doesn’t act on those issues, they end up hurting themselves, or worse, hurting other people and ending up in ‘the can’.

3. It is useless calling on deities to explain and answer your question. When dealing with the mundane choices and their consequences, guess what?! You have to question your own choices rather than asking/blaming deities for your misfortunes.

Now, that I have nicely summed it up for you, I have trouble understanding how this movie ended up with ‘Palme D’ Or’ in Cannes. I suspect that the judges have been heavily drugged, bribed or even plainly stupid to give that award to the movie. I can go all artsy-fartsy if I wanted to, and say that the movie left me breathless and it was a work of art, but that would be just bollocking myself and the ones who read this page. (And no, I don’t like Picasso either).
Every now and then, it comes a director that is labelled ‘visionary’, but this is not the case with Terrence Malick and ‘The T(h)ree of life’.

So, after reading this, if you still have 3 hours of your life to waste and come to the same conclusions, please do come back and comment, so I can rub it in and say ‘I informed you thusly, oh I so informed you thusly!’


  1. I really do like Picasso and I thought this movie was crap. Pretty scenery though.

  2. I consider myself a somewhat sophisticated movie-watcher, but I agree: Bad! So full of itself with incredible pretension, yet so boring and vague.

  3. I can tell you have nI children of your own. take your own advice don't ever "breed" as you call it.

    1. Aww, it seems that it is too late for you dearie, innit? Well, I guess you're stuck now for a couple of decades, but that ain't my fault.
      Despite knowing that I will be robbing the whole human race of a brilliant mind like mine, I'm not going to breed. I have more important things, like educating the ones that made the mistake of breeding while stupid.